Progress Envy, Wedding, & Interesting Workout Subs.

A friend of mine is dieting and much better about what she eats  – hence she is getting results instead of being me, aka getting fatter.

I am happy for her, envious of her, and her progress also makes me feel terrible.


Today I have a wedding to go to and people I haven’t seen for over a year or for some time will be there (including the boy who I used to date) and I dread seeing them see my weight gain.

My breakfast was almond milk shake with ice & super food powder. + shrimp crackers + chocolate. (I know terrible)

But I did strength training with 20 pound dumbbells and I felt so much better after.  I really didn’t want to go to the gym but My friend gave me customizable dumbells that I don’t really use…but it was so convenient and at home that I was like what the hell and did an impromptu full body home work out.

I used my mom’s piano bench and coffee table with a towel over it. Usually at the gym I used the class buildable step platforms to build a bench.

I followed @soheefit work out, which is similar to a Bret Contreras’s full body work out which makes sense, I believe Bret is her trainer for power lifting.

I did have to poop in between the hip thrusts and lateral raise.

I resolved to have veggies and meat for lunch and  then at the wedding, veggies + protein + alcohol. 😉 and try to stop when I’m full.


Hello! I have no idea if anyone will read this. This site originally started off with a joke between close friends that I would try to channel a "faux" aka fake yoga goddess in order to deal with my weight gain. I am 5'2, currently 125 pounds at the age of 28. I have IBS and PCOS. I'm also lactose intolerant but I love cheese. After naturally being skinny while eating like shit until 2 years ago, I faced devastating heartbreak that caused me to diet and workout too hard and too fast. I normally weighed between 108 to 112, naturally fluctuating during the fat season (Halloween to New Years) and summer. I dropped to 97 pounds and then binged 20+ pounds. I'm in the process of relearning what it’s like to truly be hungry and to be in tune with my body. I need true anonymity on this platform - after 2 years of struggling with deep, self-loathing I need somewhere to expel all this inner garbage out into the world because I'm sick and tired of being sad, angry, and exhausted physically and emotionally. My internet pseudonym will be Ellie Kay. There are parts of my life that are great - I have extremely loving, loyal family and friends. I am changing careers by going back to school and finally get to live alone. So this site will be interspersed with Yoda moments where I reflect on my gratitude. I reached an all-time low self-esteem wise - my skin is shit, my eating is shit, and I hate how I look and feel. It pushed me to finally create this website, which I contemplated before but thought it would take too much time and effort without enough feedback. Someone said you're living or dying - and I feel like I'm clearly in the dying category. I need change. This site will in part keep me accountable, be therapy, be a diary, and be a new hobby. You will see me try old things and new things. You will see me fail and psych myself to peel myself off the floor and try again. -Ellie Kay

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