Meal plan, Musings, and Goals of the Day – Sometimes it all goes to shit

Although I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, I keep trying to tell myself to lose the weight slowly, naturally, and sustainably.  Even if I lose 1 pound a month, in 1 year I’ll be at my normal body weight range. It’s hard because I’m struggling to even fit into my fat pants and I want to lose the weight

7:30 A.M. Breakfast: Kirkland Nut Bar and Green Tea

12:00 P.M. Lunch: Chicken Cobb Apple Salad from Disneyland (Red Rose Tavern)* Bought it but hadn’t eaten it.

3:00 P.M. Snack: Cup of berries.

6:00 P.M. Dinner: Spaghetti Squash with Trader Joes Turkey Meatballs and Prego sauce.

7:00 P.M. Do circuit training/shower then pack more boxes for move tomorrow.

Historically I generally eat all my calories by 2 to 3 p.m. and I really struggle with snacking. I’m generally either overstuffed or my blood sugar drops and I’m hangry. The Hangry Hulk. So I really want to make sure I can fit this schedule. I hope to later move breakfast later since asians eat soooo incredibly and annoyingly late. Around 8 p.m. Eating 5 to 6 p.m. makes social engagements very difficult and I go to bed hungry which I hate. But my goal is to not eat past 8:30 p.m. either.

——- ACTUAL DAY ——-Update 12:56

7:30 A.M. Breakfast: Kirkland Nut Bar and Green Tea

3 cans of La Croix and decaf.

10:30 A.M. Lunch: Chicken Cobb Apple Salad + handful of berries.

11:45 A.M. 6 pieces of mini milkyway, 3 minipeanut butter cups

12:50 P.M. Cinnamon Roll and a small sliver of dutch apple pie

2:40 P.M. A tiny amount of Cinnamon Roll and dutch apple pie. Man I eat like shit.

Decaf and another La Croix.

Sugar is a trigger food for me. The goal and what actually happens repeats everyday. I was told willpower is greatest when you wake up. It doesn’t feel like it. It’s such a finite resource, how do I manufacture some?

Hello! I have no idea if anyone will read this. This site originally started off with a joke between close friends that I would try to channel a "faux" aka fake yoga goddess in order to deal with my weight gain. I am 5'2, currently 125 pounds at the age of 28. I have IBS and PCOS. I'm also lactose intolerant but I love cheese. After naturally being skinny while eating like shit until 2 years ago, I faced devastating heartbreak that caused me to diet and workout too hard and too fast. I normally weighed between 108 to 112, naturally fluctuating during the fat season (Halloween to New Years) and summer. I dropped to 97 pounds and then binged 20+ pounds. I'm in the process of relearning what it’s like to truly be hungry and to be in tune with my body. I need true anonymity on this platform - after 2 years of struggling with deep, self-loathing I need somewhere to expel all this inner garbage out into the world because I'm sick and tired of being sad, angry, and exhausted physically and emotionally. My internet pseudonym will be Ellie Kay. There are parts of my life that are great - I have extremely loving, loyal family and friends. I am changing careers by going back to school and finally get to live alone. So this site will be interspersed with Yoda moments where I reflect on my gratitude. I reached an all-time low self-esteem wise - my skin is shit, my eating is shit, and I hate how I look and feel. It pushed me to finally create this website, which I contemplated before but thought it would take too much time and effort without enough feedback. Someone said you're living or dying - and I feel like I'm clearly in the dying category. I need change. This site will in part keep me accountable, be therapy, be a diary, and be a new hobby. You will see me try old things and new things. You will see me fail and psych myself to peel myself off the floor and try again. -Ellie Kay

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