Rant of the Day – My Diet Hells

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

Because sometimes it’s therapeutic to bitch about it.

  1. Free Food – GOD is it hard to turn down free food. Food from Costco, food people make or bake for you, free food at events. It sucks when you’re in a social situation and everyone is just eating around you and you’re the loner trying to abstain and then you succumb. Then I binge.
  2. People who think they know better than you – People who don’t understand your bad relationship with food, have never experienced a bad relationship to food, and give you their opinion about what you are doing wrong.
  3. NOT eating – Not eating makes me stressed out. It’s the food itself and me not eating it which sometimes is the greatest stress. It’s easier to give in. THEN I HATE MYSELF after.
  4. Summer – The bod is not here.
  5. Dating – Why does it have to be food related. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
  6. Moderation – What Moderation?
  7. Taking Photos – STOP TAKING PHOTOS OF ME and posting the one you look best in on Instagram/Facebook/snapchat. I feel hideous and look super fat in photos because I am fatter and haven’t come to terms with it yet.
  8. My old skinny clothes – Reminding me I can’t fit into you. You cause me so much distress.
  9. Being a Woman – Dieting appears to be easier for men. You can weight the same amount as me, be as tall as me, and you burn more calories because you have are a man. Intermittent fasting makes your body more efficient but can make my body hold onto fat more. My thighs hold onto fat for a pregnancy I’m not going through for babies I’m not having. Our bodies are meant to be softer for babies. Females get depressed faster when we cut carbs in comparison to men. 2 times faster. Men complain that eating is too hard when bulking and that cutting calories is so much easier.
  10. Skinnier friends comforting me about weight gain and then complaining about their weight gain – you’re still under 100 pounds. SILENCE. I guess I’m guilty about this too since I have friends that gained more weight than me.

Hello! I have no idea if anyone will read this. This site originally started off with a joke between close friends that I would try to channel a "faux" aka fake yoga goddess in order to deal with my weight gain. I am 5'2, currently 125 pounds at the age of 28. I have IBS and PCOS. I'm also lactose intolerant but I love cheese. After naturally being skinny while eating like shit until 2 years ago, I faced devastating heartbreak that caused me to diet and workout too hard and too fast. I normally weighed between 108 to 112, naturally fluctuating during the fat season (Halloween to New Years) and summer. I dropped to 97 pounds and then binged 20+ pounds. I'm in the process of relearning what it’s like to truly be hungry and to be in tune with my body. I need true anonymity on this platform - after 2 years of struggling with deep, self-loathing I need somewhere to expel all this inner garbage out into the world because I'm sick and tired of being sad, angry, and exhausted physically and emotionally. My internet pseudonym will be Ellie Kay. There are parts of my life that are great - I have extremely loving, loyal family and friends. I am changing careers by going back to school and finally get to live alone. So this site will be interspersed with Yoda moments where I reflect on my gratitude. I reached an all-time low self-esteem wise - my skin is shit, my eating is shit, and I hate how I look and feel. It pushed me to finally create this website, which I contemplated before but thought it would take too much time and effort without enough feedback. Someone said you're living or dying - and I feel like I'm clearly in the dying category. I need change. This site will in part keep me accountable, be therapy, be a diary, and be a new hobby. You will see me try old things and new things. You will see me fail and psych myself to peel myself off the floor and try again. -Ellie Kay

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